In which I think I’m losing my grip on reality again.
So, yesterday’s comment to me from Peter is unnerving me a bit still. And, as you know, when I am unnerved in a way that I cannot share in real life, I take it to teh interwebz.
A friend commented on the link on Facebook, telling me to trust my gut instinct and asking me pointedly if I’d allow my children near him.
…the scary thing is, I don’t know.
I think I might understand why mothers stay with their husbands even if they’re hurting the kids.
A huge part of me thinks that maybe he wasn’t actually manipulative, maybe I just really really REALLY wanted him and he was responding to that.
But then I reread the comments on this post…and this struck me. But I feel…oddly powerless, yet again, like I always felt.
Towards the end of my last semester with him, when I finally started going back to Bible study at Daniel’s insistence, I ran into Peter unawares. It was the Bible study group’s custom to go to Denny’s for food and fellowship after the meeting was over on Thursdays. I pulled into the parking lot and saw Peter’s car there. I started hyperventilating and shaking, tears threatening to pour down my face. I texted Daniel, and waited for him by the doorway. When he got there, he came over and stared at me for a few moments. “This is not the Jo that I know,” he said with a bit of alarm. “Joanna, the Ice Princess, who never lets her emotions show…you’re shaking. You’re terrified. It’s written all over your face. This is not normal for you.” I begged him not to leave my side. He agreed without question…I think he knew there were things going on that I didn’t understand and couldn’t explain. I couldn’t breathe normally until Peter left half an hour later. Even at the peak of my desire for him, I was terrified of being near him.
(sigh) I wish we didn’t live in the same town. And that I wasn’t so tied to the college where he teaches. And that he wasn’t on the board of the local chapter of AIGA, a national graphic design association I’ve always dreamed of joining. It’s like…no matter what, it’s inevitable that I’ll run into him.
