Stitching Up The Seams

Jul 20

Sex, as commonly conceived, is something a couple do together. But the sexual act itself is not quite like that. It is, and remains, something a man does to a woman. They are not both working at the same thing. He is giving, she is receiving. He is the lover, she the beloved. Now, if they both set out to “have some Sex,” the whole delicate balance is wrecked, and neither can find his own role. What is happening is that the difference we all love so dearly is taking a bad beating. The wife is being backed into a decreasingly feminine role, even in overtly sexual matters, and the husband is finding that he has less and less of an object to be masculine toward. He is getting what he wants, but not what he needs. He asks frequently enough, but he has lost sight of what to ask for; and that is deadly.

Robert Farrar Capon, Bed and Board, p. 51

Hi. Stitch here. Not sure if anyone’s been following the whole Gospel Coalition thing that’s been going down for the past week. If you’re interested in learning more, here’s a few links for you:

The Gospel Coalition, sex, and subordination via Rachel Held Evans
The Writer’s Burden via Dianna Anderson
Marital Rape? Doug Wilson on Dominance and Submission in the Marriage Bed via Patheos
Rape: A Punishment for Egalitarians? via Sarah Moon
Doug Wilson, The Gospel Coalition, and Sanctified Rape Culture via Are Women Human?
“It’s not me, it’s her, isn’t it?” via Dr. Camille Lewis

This just hits home to me even more firmly and irreversibly that gender roles are man-made constructs. That complementarianism and patriarchy are not all that different, and are both very dangerous ideologies when taken to their logical end.

I am so thankful for a husband that does not view me as an object to be masculine towards, and that he doesn’t view sex as a thing that he does to me. Instead he sees me as an equal human being that does not need the masculine domination of any man, a partner equal to him in every respect. And that he views sex not as an act done to me, but as an act done together - he doesn’t bang me or tap that or any other disgusting euphemism that says EXACTLY what the above says (“it is, and remains, something a man does to a woman”). But it is the two of us together, human to human, making love.

There are not words for my disgust at this perversion and abuse propagated by so-called men of God in His name. If that’s not taking God’s name in vain, then I don’t know what is.

(Source: dougwils.com)

Posted 11 months ago

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9 notes

complementarian, egalitarian, gender roles, gender issues, marriage, sex, lover, beloved, sexual, feminine, masculine, objectify,

Apr 11

head desk

Me: A fantastic piece decrying the distinctly anti-woman culture in which we live.
Me: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/04/09/ashley-judd-slaps-media-in-the-face-for-speculation-over-her-puffy-appearance.html
Me: "Patriarchy is not men. Patriarchy is a system in which both women and men participate. It privileges, inter alia, the interests of boys and men over the bodily integrity, autonomy, and dignity of girls and women. It is subtle, insidious, and never more dangerous than when women passionately deny that they themselves are engaging in it. This abnormal obsession with women’s faces and bodies has become so normal that we (I include myself at times—I absolutely fall for it still) have internalized patriarchy almost seamlessly. We are unable at times to identify ourselves as our own denigrating abusers, or as abusing other girls and women."
Me: Also love this quote -
Me: "I thus abstain from all media about myself. The only thing that matters is how I feel about myself, my personal integrity, and my relationship with my Creator. Of course, it’s wonderful to be held in esteem and fond regard by family, friends, and community, but a central part of my spiritual practice is letting go of otheration. And casting one’s lot with the public is dangerous and self-destructive, and I value myself too much to do that."
Female Friend: ‎"distinctly anti-woman"? are you slapping all of us with hollywood's brush? by the way, i just read a great article about the one she wrote. i agree that there shouldn't be a media frenzy every time she gets a pimple, but she has issues over how people perceive her, when she poses in provocative ways for magazines? she talks of the dignity of women, and then poses in her nightgown or no top?
Me: I don't think it's "Hollywood's brush" per se, but yes - as a culture we are distinctly more critical of women than we are of men. And I mean critical in a negative way, not a constructive way.
Me: I also don't think her argument is invalidated by how she chooses to present her body - there is nothing inherently undignified about a woman's body as opposed to a man's body (seen in men being shirtless and not seen as provocative), though I agree that the blatant sexualization of women through the media is another way in which we portray women as objects and not people. Nevertheless, in some ways it is up to us whether we see an object to be ridiculed or dismissed or a person to be considered.
Female Friend: not inherently undignified, but a topless shot or one in a nightgown WILL still be provocative, if it's a woman (of course, if it's a man in a nightgown...). because even though many women will look at pics, the men are the visual people that will be most affected by the pose. and there's nothing wrong with her "slapping" the media, either, for it's messed up portrayal of women. but the media looks at the wrong side of just about everything. i just want to suggest that hollywood and the media tabloids' way of acting and viewing things does not necessarily mean all Americans act like that. that's all. : )
Male Friend: Fascinating. Good article. [Female Friend], got a link to your article? Distinctly anti-woman culture. I agree with [Female Friend]. A very broad brush. And a point I don't agree with. Yes, it is a cultural issue. But not because it hates women. Our culture hates God, and his creation, the family. How do you attack the family? Attack its parts. Men are under attack. Are being feminized. Put down. Told they are inferior to women. and being released from any responsibility for their actions, especially the fathering of children. Why do you think women are bemoaning that there are no good men to be found? Women are an easier target. They are being told they have been regulated to a less than human position to get them to act out. And they are culturally objectified and pressured to fit into the cultural ideal or be somehow abnormal. Their appearance is attacked and picked apart. And our liberal media aids and abets these attacks at every turn. Patriarchy? That definition is straight out of the feminist propaganda hand book and is completely false. The situation described, on the other hand, does occur from time to time and does exist in some cultures. Islam is a shining example. Women are religiously and socially programed that they are inferior. And people have been fighting that situation for millennia. Especially those armed with God's idea of a family. Science is still trying to figure out why a man and a woman equally yoked before God works so well. Women are not inferior according to the Bible, but they are the weaker vessel. Men and women have their separate niches in life that they are designed by God to fill but these do not dictate or limit the scope of their activities. And that's another can of worms for another discussion. I do hope my spouted ramblings are of some use. Feel free to tear in.
Female Friend: http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Hollywood/2012/04/10/Ashley-Judd-Body
Male Friend: Wow, you are fast, [Female Friend].
Male Friend: Awesome. Took facebook six hours to show your post before mine, [Female Friend]. I reply would have been pointless. And warn a guy next time! Holly Cow! I could almost get fired for seeing those pictures!

Posted 1 year ago

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2 notes

feminism, Ashley Judd, patriarchy, misogyny, misandry, gender roles, Gender Issues, religion, christianity, islam,

Mar 14

Interview and nerves.

So, last Friday I joined the (sometimes really forced) blogger thing of writing a letter to my 16-year-old self in which I told myself to always, always choose love.

Sometimes choosing love will look like laying down arms in the middle of a fight in order to love the other person the way they need to be loved at that moment.

Sometimes choosing love will look like choking back words of anger, dissent, or even just innocuously offering a different opinion from someone because you realize that they are not yet ready to hear what you have to say.

Sometimes choosing love will look like abandoning the faith to other people, when really you’re putting ON the faith and living the love and freedom you believe in.

Then Sunday, shit kind of got real and I felt slightly like a prophet.

Sunday afternoon, my mother…asked me point-blank if I thought being gay was okay. My heart dropped into my stomach, and I knew that it was time for me to be honest.

I said yes.

In that split instant, everything changed. Things that I thought would never change. Could never change.

I was informed that all of my parents’ worst fears about me were confirmed by my acceptance of homosexuality. That my acceptance of it was clearly the result of abandoning Scripture and was an abomination to God, a stench in His nostrils, and not in keeping with being a follower of Christ. I had bought into the lies of the world, the lies of the devil, and I needed to repent.

My husband stepped in to defend me, and we were subsequently kicked out of my parents’ house. We did eventually reconcile…sort of.

Now…well, today, I am being interviewed by Sojourners Magazine about my time spent at BJU and my view on LGBT issues particularly within the Church. And I’ll probably be doing it under my real name.

And I’m just terrified.

Well, maybe not terrified. Nervous. Uneasy.

I think it’s entirely possible to believe that homosexual sex is wrong without demeaning, devaluing, shaming, or hurting people. I believe that we can have discussions about this civilly. Dr. Richard Mouw is a great example of this.

But I can’t keep silent while LGBTQ people are constantly attacked, devalued, demonized and ostracized, particularly in the name of Jesus. Even if my family and friends don’t agree with me, even if they are the ones doing the demonizing behind the mask of godly concern.

No more. No more of this. Not while I sit idly by. Can’t do it anymore.

But God, I’m nervous.

Posted 1 year ago

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lgbtq, lgbt, gender issues, homosexuality, christianity, fundamentalism, activism,

Feb 14

One of my favourite songs, by Jennifer Knapp. This song actually helped save my marriage a while back.

Posted 1 year ago

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2 notes

valentine's day, love, love song, jennifer knapp, marriage, gender issues, gender roles, lesbian, lgbt,

Jan 18

Confessions of a slut-shaming racist homophobe.

…so this is my confession. My gut reaction in these cases is to be a slut-shaming misogynistic misandristic racist homophobe. It’s true. I fear those who are different than me, because they are harder to understand…because they don’t fit in a box I already have labeled, or they seem like they might fit into a particularly unsavory box, or even because I don’t have the time to devote to getting to know them and determining whether they are truly frightening or not.

But in the seconds after my gut-reaction, I experience a deep connection with the person against whom my emotions were just raging. They probably never know I feel this connection to them. But after my initial, shameful, stupid knee-jerk emotion, I am deeply moved by compassion for them. I realize that there are people out there who don’t get beyond their knee-jerk reactions and prejudices, and I wonder in those moments what the person I am thinking about has gone through at the hands of such bigotry. And I say to them silently, “I’m on your side. I may be afraid of you on a level that shames me, but I will fight for you and I will listen to you and I will see you. I am on your side.”

This may seem disjointed. And perhaps even offensive. I can’t quite help the disjointedness as I’m still sorting through my thoughts, but the offense is not meant at all. That’s why this is a confession. I am ashamed of my gut reactions. As someone said earlier today, I’m walking in the right direction. There are barriers and things that are trying to hold me back, but I know more certainly than I know anything that in fighting to abolish prejudice and hatred within myself first that I am walking in the right direction.