Stitching Up The Seams

The Midnight Nation.

This is a mix of songs that have helped me in my spiritual and social walk in the past years. Thought I’d share.

1. A Love That’s Stronger Than Our Fear – Derek Webb, The Ringing Bell
   Derek basically challenges “traditional” morals and talks about seeking love above all else and having love inform all of our decisions.
2. The Angel of Death Came to David’s Room – mewithoutYou, It’s All Crazy! It’s All False! It’s All A Dream! It’s Alright
   Basically an eastern-sounding folk song about King David’s talk with the angel of death when it came time for him to die. Despite his defeat of Goliath, despite his desire to pass on his knowledge to his son…he still had to die. Songs about mortality mean an awful lot to me lately.
3. I Don’t Want To Fight – Derek Webb, The Ringing Bell
   Especially after being at Bob Jones, I’ve come to really deeply hate separatism and legalism. Unity in Christ is a central theme in the Bible, and we miss so much of it. I’ve become much less legalistic over the past 2 years and much more tolerant (for lack of a better word). Kind of going back to the first song - there’s got to be a love stronger than all of this.
4. Resurrect Me – Jon Foreman, Summer
   As God continues to teach and mold me, I’m realizing more and more my need to live a resurrected life - putting down the deeds (and thoughts) that aren’t in line with Christ and walking with Him.
5. Dive In – Jennifer Knapp, Letting Go
   I’ve lived my whole life on the edge of myself, worried what everyone thinks of me and feeling like I don’t measure up. Slowly but surely, I’m taking a dive to be true to myself, to who God made me to be, and not being ashamed of it.
6. The Sun and The Moon – mewithoutYou, Brother, Sister
   There are so many things right now that I cannot reconcile. So many questions I have about God, how to live life as a believer without alienating unbelievers, how to really truly know God and love Him.
7. twelve – La Dispute, Here, Hear. III
   Because there have been so many days where I’ve sat staring, singing softly “Someone, carry me away.”
8. Learning How To Die – Jon Foreman, Winter
   Again…mortality means so much more to me as of late. With Dad dying (even though his death is likely many years away), it’s made me contemplate the inevitability of death for everyone. And I want to learn how to die - or rather, how to live in such a way that I’m no longer afraid of death.
9. A King & A Kingdom – Derek Webb, Mockingbird
   You may or may not know that I am not very political. I’m a pacifist (of a sort). I do not believe that the US is a Christian nation or ever was. I’m thankful to be here and so thankful for the liberties that we have, but I’m so uncomfortable with the American Christian tendency to believe that if you’re REALLY a Christian, you’ll think and talk and act and vote a specific way - all the while ignoring how we’re supposed to live, loving God with all our hearts and loving our neighbors as we love ourselves. We’ve lost that in this patriotic worship that is simply not Scriptural.
10. The King Beetle On A Coconut Estate – mewithoutYou, It’s All Crazy! It’s All False! It’s All A Dream! It’s Alright
    I love the allegory of this. Love love love it. If you have a hard time understanding the words, look them up. In particular, I take from it the Beetle King’s sacrifice and his troops’ response as how we ought to respond to Christ’s total sacrifice: “Our Beloved’s not dead, but has been utterly changed into fire. So why not be utterly changed into fire?”
11. Return To Me – Jennifer Knapp, A Diamond In The Rough: Disc 2
    This has been a deeply heart-felt prayer of mine since I was 18. It seems I’m always deeply wrestling with God, deeply struggling with my faith. There’s not a week that goes by that I do not pray this.
    (I can’t find it anywhere online that’s not a bad cover. Bah.) 
12. Every Thought A Thought Of You – mewithoutYou, It’s All Crazy! It’s All False! It’s All A Dream! It’s Alright
    A commentary on general Christianity today and our attitudes toward God. “They swear their love is real - they mean, ‘I like the way You make me feel.’”
13. The Spirit vs. The Kick Drum – Derek Webb, Stockholm Syndrome
    Another commentary on general Christianity today - how we all think we know what we want from the Trinity while plugging our ears to God’s interactions with us.
14. eight – La Dispute, Here, Hear. II
    We turn such a blind eye to the suffering of others. I am so, so, so guilty of this. I’m afraid of the homeless. I’m afraid of sex workers. I’m afraid of drug users and dealers and pimps and madams and handicapped people (though that latter fear is largely born of being sexually assaulted by a man in a wheelchair). I want to change. I want to look in their eyes, validate their pain, be Jesus to them. I want to see the need around me and pour myself out like Christ did to meet their need the best I can. It’s hard. It’s so hard. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to start.
15. Somebody’s Baby – Jon Foreman, Winter
    Along the same lines as the above, realizing that people are people, not labels. Somehow, it helps me to see a relationship in order to see a person.
16. Curse The Flower Plant The Seed – Sandra McCracken, Gypsy Flat Road
    Trying to recognize my part in the suffering of others, even though I’ve been unaware my entire life.
    (Another one that I can’t find a link to. Grrr.) 
17. A New Law – Derek Webb, Mockingbird
    I love this song. I cannot tell you exactly how much I love this song. It’s such a pointed satirical look at Christianity today, how we cling to legalism so tightly and are so afraid to let it go.
18. Fall Down, Never Get Back Up Again – La Dispute, Somewhere at the Bottom of the River Between Vega and Altair
    I’ve lived this. Desires of all kinds can sweep us away in a moment’s notice, whether sexual, romantic, monetary, philosophical, ideological, etc. I love the melancholy of this telling (it’s a retelling of Annabel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe). His voice breaks my heart.
19. Allah, Allah, Allah – mewithoutYou, It’s All Crazy! It’s All False! It’s All A Dream! It’s Alright
    Seeing God in everything. I’m trying to see God working in places that I wouldn’t expect to see Him - like in my Muslim friend who I worked with for a year, or a few atheist friends I have, or in a different church other than an assembly, or in something as simple and wonderful as creation. I’m learning to let go of inhibitions and hold on to Christ alone…but man, is it hard. So hard. I really kind of suck at it.
20. Again – Jon Foreman, Summer
    It’s so easy for me to forget that God is alive today and active in my life. This is a constant prayer of mine as well. I feel so lost so much of the time. I long for my heart to be constantly turned to Him.

Quick update.

I recently wrote about how a Jennifer Knapp song helped to save my marriage. Y’all should take a look.

Also, my preventative migraine medicine is really getting to me (also referenced a bit in that blog post above). I have felt sick for the past two weeks that I have been on it. My migraines have not abated at all (though the abortive migraine pills are miracle pills, I tell you). I am alternately very calm (almost listless) and depressed, or extremely anxious and paranoid. I’ve been thinking about suicide (especially on Friday), though since I know it’s a result of the medicine it’s not really a big deal at the moment. Calling my doctor tomorrow to see if there’s anything else I can try…and hoping he doesn’t tell me to try to stick it out. It’s awful and I feel like shit.

Went to my old church camp this weekend for a day and a night. We didn’t do what I used to do…try to hang out with everyone. Just people I know are actually still my friends (hi, two of you who may read this blog!!). It was nice. I sang for a couple of friends like I’ve never sang for anyone other than my husband before - with all my heart and all the emotion I could muster. I’m always too afraid to sing like that in front of people. But I might keep doing it.

Also, I’m in the process of writing a song…the first song I’ve written since sculpture class in 2006. We’ll see how that goes.